Make your self-critical comments a question…

When you criticize yourself, make it a question. (Not an accusation.) One that stings. Even hurts.

In my communication coaching practice, I wish I was asked more often, “How do I improve communication with myself?”  Especially when people want to improve communication – and a relationship – with someone else.

There are several places to begin but here is a time-tested favorite.

Notice when you criticize yourself. (Because we all will. We’re human.) Often these criticisms are very subtle… (Note when a criticism is thinly disguised as a question.  “Why did you do that?” (You did it all wrong.)  “What were you thinking?” (You were an idiot.)

Listen, observe how you talk to yourself, how it feels.

Example:

“You are so lazy.”  That’s an accusation. How does that feel?

Compare it to:

“Were you being lazy or is something else going on? Are you tired? Overwhelmed? What do you really care about in this situation? What kind of support would feel helpful right now?”

Helpful questions. How do those feel?

Begin to notice those self-crticisms. And rephrase – if necessary – as questions rather than accusations. Open and curious questions. Questions meant to be explored. To discover something helpful. Learn something. A productive conversation within ourselves usually follows. And gosh, this feels better.

The relationship we have within ourselves is always where we need to start.